Pali & Adbidhamma

I would like to read some pali, and learn some.
I would like to see the abidhamma.

i would like to be where the buddha first gave his sermon.

as i read and continue, i was worst than his most begineer student.

I like reading the inverted mind, and the voidness in the surangama sutra. i so enjoy reading the time when people first tasted the delicious things and become bodies.

then at the same time i have many questions that i cant find.

What i want to say is i know in side my body there is hallow. but i cant today undertstand the True Mind, and my inner most voice that existed some time. I dont know who i am, but i am confused what is the true mind.

I read it said , One moon. i have so many things to talk about meditation, abidhamma, life , science, inverted mind, meditation. synchronisation, science, time and space. time is an illusion and not, time is not real. am i past or am i present, i know i am now here, but i cant tell in comparrision with the universe. and devas and beings. etc.

I know my pain is lifted up by loving kindness, i met someone who killed the love i have for any man. I have so many many questions and no one can talk to me, who enjoys the sensual world.

whereas the dhamma world, no one talks to me too.

so i like to find people like me, in betweens i call myself. i am neither here nor there. i belong that i dont belong.

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